Cat burglary 101

Being fat and stealthy must run in my family. I just had to break into my apartment for the 5th time. And that's in this apartment only. I only had to break in twice in the one before. And that's not including the many many bathroom door locks i've picked in my day.

I got lucky this time, i admit it. It had the potential of really getting ugly. I live in a bachelor. The bachelor in my father's house to be more precise. Now to keep the parental units the hell out of my place (to many times i'd come home to a spotless apartment and things not in their rightful place) I've had to get creative on their ass. So i broke the lock on the door that connects my apartment to their laundry room. Access denied. I've also got two locks on my main door (the one on the side of the house) but no key to go with them. So at this point i've got two options, front door or leave the window to the side door slightly open to be able to unlock it. I always take option B as to not have to meet my step mom's mother on her umptenth trip to the can in the middle of the night.

However, last night i heard a rustling in my garbage. At first i thought it would be the cat that often visits me, but no, it was a skunk. So i closed all the windows, just in case.

Watched some porn, went to bed. Had a really explicit lesbian dream which seemed really real because when i woke up the next day... well afternoon, i was all disoriented, sweaty and horny. So when i took off about an hour later to go to chubby chaser's place, i forgot to crack the window.

I realized this halfway threw watching Daredevil, right about where Olympic Sleeper asked :

OS: So Elektra dies now?

Me: nope, she's sorta immortal or something.

OS: So how does she come back?

Me: i don't know.... ninja spirits or something.

OS: ...

OS: Did you just say ninja spirits?

Me: yes, yes i did.


So anyway, i get home and sure enough, window's closed, door's locked. Twice i've broken in threw the kitchen window, which is level with the ground in the backyard, but that window was also closed, as was the side window so that wasn't an option either. I had left my bedroom windows open and seriously considered it, even got in there in the bushes and spiders to check it out, but a contortionist i am not.

As i stood there at my door trying to think of what to do, because going in threw the front door and having to explain all this to my dad was certainly not an option, the next door neighbor and his drunk friends stepped out onto their patio where i could hear them but not see them. This was it, now or never, i gotta get in there. As i've mentioned earlier, there was a hole that i'd previously cut into the screen in the window as to be able to stick my hand in there, well i ripped the shit outta that thing tonight. I stuck my key in the crack of the window and yanked as hard as i could, and voila, i am a fucking genius cat burglar.