Are we there yet, ode to the downfall of a rapper's career

As i'll try anything once and since i'm still in full-on recovery mode, i decided to pop in Are we there yet? featuring Ice Cube. Piece of shit. Reminiscent of Barbershop 2. Piece of crap. Why are rappers, who in their hay day were on top of the god damn world, have to reduce themselves to this? Motherfucker was riding a horse! A horse! Not since Deliver us from Eva, have we seen this kinda of unabashed degradation. Poor LL Cool J was obviously not spared from this apparent outbreak of rappers who feel the need to appeal to the masses. Another that comes to mind would be Method Man... and although i've nothing against Wu-Tang, eh Method Man's always felt like a tool to me, but whatever. Another that's on the brink of selling out totally is Andre 3000. This pains me people. I had hope for him. I truly thought he would be the Prince of the 21st century. Cocksucker had to be in Be Cool. Piece of flaming dog shit. I believe the first instance of total sell-outism (that i can remember at the moment anyway) would be the soundtrack to judgment Night. Although we were spared any rapper acting in this fucking jem, the soundtrack alone makes sure that this has to be included in this list, or at the very least get honorable crap mention. Fucking Slayer with Ice-T. What the fuck happened there? Seriously. Who the fuck fell asleep in that meeting? Helmet and House of Pain? Jesus. Cypress hill and Pearl Jam? Ok, I like my Cypress hill, and I Love my Pearl Jam, but fuck man! WHY? WHY? It's happenings like these that make me afraid to turn on access Hollywood. Someday, someday very soon, the remake of the Wiz starring Beyonce as Dorothy, 50 cent as the scarecrow, Usher as the Tin Man and Ja Rule as the cowardly lion. Motherfucker... beyonce's gonna be in the Pink Panther movie soon isn't she? I guess you really can't win.

5 Ceasars, 2 baileys and 16 joints

Spitting this morning felt like i was giving birth to something with my mouth. Granted, i'm aware that i didn't do that much drinking, being totally out drunked...drank (?) by M and G over at Death through misadventure, but i still held my own and out smoked everybody having my last toke around 4am today... well until the one i just had that is. Ah the RV. Ville Emard's hole in the fucking ground i like to call my only drinking hang out. Old fucks chillin out singin' Kareoke until the wee hours of the morning, i love it. Watching that old woman hike up her skirt and grind away to M's rendition of "La rue principale" was priceless.... Dude, i swear next time you come to me and say " Annie! I'm gonna fuck her if you don't hold me back!" well... you said it 2h45? no one to fuck? I ain't gonna get in the way of a beautiful thing.


While at the bar a guy was passing out those "hi i'm a mute, can you help a brother out?" card. While i'm sympathic to this person's problems and everything (although doing this in a bar it did cross my mind that maybe this dude is just some evil genius alcoholic that's found the perfect way to never buy beer again... but i doubt that.) i thought to myself "what if i were illiterate?... would it be appropriate in that case to hand the mute guy a card that has the letter "R" on it and be like "sorry man but i've got my own problems"



At his request, from hence forth M will be referred to as the Earthquake from Peru.

I've got this crush on a guy that frequents my comic book store...up until i learned that he was only 17. But last week was his birthday so i took the plunge and invited him out for a drink. Ever since then, however, i keep having this one thought : I lost my virginity at a rather late age, i was 17.... so that was 9 years ago, which means that he was 9 when i started fucking. This bothers me.

I think my friend has been captured by pod people of some sort. I went over to his place last night and thought something was a little off when he, for about 30 minutes, went on and on about how he'd found the most kick ass shoes ever made : 1989 Air Jordan 3's. They've apparently become his obsession because i've never seen anyone so excited over shoes before... and I know some pretty girlie girls. 'You remember shoes from 1989?' 'Annie you don't understand these were BAD shoes man, they... I can't even tell you how much i want these'. If all this didn't have me convinced that my friends body truly had been taken over by extra terrestrials, a little later on in the evening, when referring to Skid Row's I remember you, he said 'this is the best ballad ever written, ever.'


This morning i discussed with chocolate Wonder the Air Jordan 3's. And apparently last night's friend is not the only one to feel as passionately about these shoes.

CW: What do you wanna know about the AJ3's? what came before? After? ...

A: Let's just keep it simple, shall we?

CW: Before AJ3's... you just bought shoes. AJ3's were like the Cadillac of shoes...

A: the escalade?

CW: sure, whatever, let's just say no one could compare after that, this is the shoe that made Michael Jordan MICHAEL JORDAN, this is the shoe that started the shoe endorsement industry.


wow, i've got a lot to learn about shoes....and Michael Jordan.

Lunestra....what the fuck does it do anyway?

Around 11pm last night one those commercials came on tv where you have no idea what the medication they're selling is for. All you see is green butterfly flying around and the narrator goes "LUNESTRA! It's finally here! LUNESTRA! Have you asked your doctor if it's right for you? LUNESTRA!" I wish these pharmaceutical companies would just get off it and do what they've really wanted to do since the invention of the pharmacy. "PLACEBO! Do you suffer from dipshit-itis? Do you wake up in the morning? Do you have dandruff? Hangnail? Then ask your doctor about PLACEBO! some side effects may include dizziness, ulcers, diarrhea, anal leaking, pregnancy and urethra shrinkage."

So i'm at a friends house last night and decided that it would be really funny to take one of those free IQ tests. Since i had smoked i wasn't expecting genius results but at least be somewhere in the middle, you know between retarded and brilliant. Well apparently average intelligence falls somewhere between 90 and 110. I scored a 92. At first i thought "thank god, that was a close one" but then it dawned on me.... is 92 really the minimum score you can get.... think about it, would they really tell you if you're classified under "dumber then shit"? I thought i should probably get a second opinion on this, but then i said to myself "fuck it, i don't need some stupid web site to tell me how smrt i am".

this morning on the radio i heard that they're making a movie about Karla Homolka. For those of you out there that don't know who Karla Homolka is, she quebec's own serial Killer who got out of jail this month. She didn't escape or get out on parole, she served 12 years for killing 3 girls including her own sister. And now, Hot Donna, from "that 70's show", is going to be Karla. i think i've said enough.

Everytime I tell someone that I feel old I always get the same reaction "you're 26, how're you gonna feel when you get to be 50!" Well all signs point to pretty shitty. I'm sorry, but as far as i'm concerned, as soon as your body starts to betray you, you're old. My body should be shot for treason right about now. It's mutiny i tell ya! Somewhere in the last 5 years, or maybe even less then that, my body decided it no longer required my leadership and that things were gonna change around here. Tzaziki sauce, ice cream, onions, yogurt, garlic (basically anything Greek related for some reason, well except the ice cream) are now considered enemies of the state. And so, last night I found myself fraternizing with the enemy and my body, promptly starting at 11pm, let me know just who's in charge around here. I had the onion dip sweats all fucking night, got up this morning and threw up in the bathroom sink, because apparently my body couldn't hold back the half second it would have taken me to reach the toilet. The new dictator in charge must have a sense of humor.

How much is too much?

I wanted to write this morning about my weekend and the small adventure I had Saturday evening. But as I started thinking about these events, I wondered "how much information is too much?" Do these people need to hear about my sex life or whatever else i might deem interesting enough to publish... the answer... yes, my people have a right to know.

So, I'm driving home from a friend's house Saturday night, and right as I was about to take my left turn off of the 132, an unbelievable wave of hornyness washed over me. I hadn't felt anything like this in a long time, not since the great 1997 fuckfest have horny levels such as these been reached. Since i've been, for the last 2 years, sans perminent partner, I was going to have ro resort to self-satisfaction. So naturally my thoughts turned to Billy Bob, the vibrator who lives in the bedside condo i've built for him...hey you gotta take care of those who take care of you right?

As I was feeling particularly frisky, I decided that i was going to treat myself and do this outside. When I got home I did a quick look around, you know, just to make sure the neighbors weren't getting a free show, since usually there's a 10$ cover-charge at the door.

I live in a bachelor, so my entrance is basement level on the side of the house, so I figured it would be all good as long as I stayed in the steps, no one, unless they were to walk right up to the stairs, would see me. So, i took one last look around and decided it was safe to start "rubbin' one off". A few minutes into it, i realized that someone, or something, behind me and to my left was moving. As this as my first time getting caught with my pants down, literaly, my reaction time was not what it should have been. Slowly i removed Billy Bob thinking "maybe no one saw you...quietly stand up and get your ass inside." Let me tell you, the 3 seconds between getting up and turning around to find the neighbor's cat starring at me, were 3 of the most freaked out seconds i've had so far. Having had enough adventure for one night, i decided to take this sideshow inside.... and finally make use of my video camera.

No animals were harmed in the making of this film.

I've come across what is probably the dumbest yet entertaining show I've seen since Steve-O licked that dude's foot in the rain forest. World famous for Dicking around. With Smith, Vasaline boy, Cautious Dave and a few others i can't remember since i have been smoking today... but they were very very entertaining, what with the beer drinking, bag-pipe music and the fact that these guys love to set themselves on fire as much as possible. As i watched, i thought to myself these guys can't possibly have a web site... but if they do i 'm gonna do everything in my power to get in touch with these guys... after all they could be family.

"breast milk...you make my daaaaayyyy!"

If i had 3 wishes i'm not sure what all 3 would be, but i do know this for sure : I would want to be in control of all the world's Ketchup. All of it. This would ensure my tight control on all the world's fast food chains and grocery stores. I'd also make it so that ketchup would only be available in my stores, which i'm tentativaly calling either "Annie's ketchup emporium", "Ketchup R us" or perhaps simply "the redspot".

i don't care what anyone says Pauly Shore's show 'minding the store' is awesome. The man has a sex therapist that looks like Adam's (Seymore Butts) mom on Family Business, it can't get much better then that.

it's the revenge of the nerd

Did you ever get bitch slapped by life? That happened to me yesterday. I was having the best day i'd had in a long time, you know when everything seems to be going your way... the smell in the car wasn't that bad in the morning, Sheppard's pie for lunch in the Caf 'SWEET',and to top it all off....i found out that my boss, while i've been in training, has been given a new position within the company, HALLELUA! Ciao sweetheart! Don't let the door smack you in the ass on the way out. Oh yeah, and fuck you, you cunt. (for those who couldn't tell, i don't like her). So things are going my way... i get home and decide, for some reason unknown to me, that i'm gonna go out of my way for the first time ever, and hunt down the eye-glass cleaner stuff. Usually i'll clean my glasses with the t-shirt i'm wearing at the time, but yesterday i decided i should use the stuff in the spray bottle. And i broke my glasses. Fuck. So now i have to wait until saturday to go to the optometrist...but i still have to drive my ass around. So now i've become the biggest nerd/geek/spazz, whatever you wanna call me, in the fucking universe. The brake in my glasses you see, was not a clean one. They broke in a very ackward place, to the left right above the 'nose-bridge'. So in a panic, since there was no super-glue in the house, i had the choice between normal household glue or the tape used to seal up a leaky sink....i had no choice but to go with the tape, and now.... well you can imagine what it looks like. i've been reduced to driving with my hand permanently stuck to my forehead as if the sun was always in my eyes. not cool, not cool at all.

male rape.... fact or fiction?

My boo (who wishes to be referred to as Chocolat Wonder for the purposes of this blog) and i were discussing the logistics of the male rape and if this concept is fact or fiction... I contend that this is totally not plausible but since i'm lacking in the proper equipment to make an informed statement.... the wonder informs me that this is totally possible. Why are we discussing this? Well in a recent message board post at DC Comics, Devin Grayson writer for Nightwing, mentionned that in her opinion, Nightwing (aka Dick Grayson) is Bi-sexual. While i have no problem with this concept, my first question to the Chocolat Wonder was 'is Dick getting dick? and if so when the hell did this happen??' While this has not happened yet i'm told that the ex-boy wonder was raped in a previous issue.... and raped by a woman. I think it's this concept that i have a problem with... i can kinda understand getting butt-fucked or gang-banged in jail or whatever... but to imply that a woman could force herself on a man and rape him without any assistance, i find that hard to believe... unless we're talkin' about some fucking horny yeti-woman who hasn't had any in years because of the lack of male counterparts...then maybe i could fathom that.

Alright people!!! Billy Idol is coming to montreal in august!!! Normally i wouldn't be this excited, but they played Rebel yell this morning on the radio, and i'm so into Billy right now. 'in the midnight hour! she wants more more more!!!' HELL YES! but then i see that the tickets are 45$....that's a little much for the Idol, but Bif Naked is gonna be there... if i can sucker someone into coming with me i'll definetly show up. MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE!

Exams? i'm 26 for fuck sake!

God damn this sucks ass. I work for a company who apparently loves to test it's employees. I'm changing departments, so not only do i have to go threw 4 weeks of mind numbing training, but every week we have an exam to make sure that during the last week of training everyone was paying attention or whatever... i've been out of high school for almost 10 years now, i'd rather put cigarettes out on my arm then do this.

If i ever needed proof that i'm truely Canadian, i got it this morning. On the radio this morning they announced that the hockey puck factory is re-opening...that put a smile on my face

so i'm watching NOVA yesterday, they had a program on last year's mission to mars. All these scientist freaking out about a malfunctionning parachute and airbag system... they were saying that if that mission were to fail it would mean a giant set-back in all of NASA's Mars exploration programs. So i'm watching this and i'm thinking...'are we truely done with the Moon? i mean really? We've done all we can up there? nothing else to explore? all the crevaces have been studied up there? Must we really move on to Mars?' Sometimes i think the world's govertments are pulling a fast one on us and that there's really a Six Flags on the moon for those political fuckers who don't wanna stand in line.

Murder, today's only true commitment?

For the purposes of this blog, my best friend wishes to be referred to as 'chubby chaser'.

me: do you think that shows like 'unsolved mysteries' actually works as a deterrent for serial killers and shit?

CC: nope.... if i've committed myself to something like murder, i don't think Robert Stack would have much influence on me.

me: it's funny that you used the word commitment....

CC: well... i suppose it truly is the last thing left that people really have to commit to... i could be a dad, but fuck.. i could get out of that... i could get married, but hey there's divorce... but murder... 'i'm gonna kill you!' 'Really? you willing to commit to that?' 'naw man...i guess that is too much of a commitment'


I see his point.

Note to self

smoking weed in the parking lot at lunch break at work while in training for a new department, not my best idea so far.

Captain's blog-log: yeah it's the first one

I got in my car today after work and i almost threw up. I know my car's messy and it's pretty much always been that way.... but i swear that that smell, which seems to be a combination of ass and god only knows what, was not there last summer. The worst part of this ordeal is, that with each passing day, it's getting worst, the smell that is,.... and at the same time, with each passing day the fear of where or from what that smell is emanating from is becoming more and more part of my reality. I can't give people lifts cuz honestly who wants to ride in the ass car? really?! I'm constantly thinking about cleaning it or maybe buying one of those air freshener jobs...but seems like alot of work to me.